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Post by Danielle ..DJ s mom on Aug 24, 2016 17:13:14 GMT
Hello all... A shitty place for us all to be, but here we are.. my name is Danielle, I lost my oldest child, DJ, on 4-16-16... Life does not get easier, sorry.... It just goes on.... I miss my son so much just typing that makes my heart break... But I need others to talk to... I cuss a lot and I'm fucking mad as hell...but again I feel a need to chat with other parents.... My story is a horrible tragic story, as is yours I'm sure... If you would like to chat I check this web page daily... Danielle, DJ s mom
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Post by Danielle ..DJ s mom on Aug 26, 2016 18:29:12 GMT
I'm really having a hard time right now... I am goin to put my struggles out there for people to read maybe someone else is having the same struggles.....
I go over n over shit in my head... Ifs.. Maybes...shoulda...couldas... I wish I had known that at 11yeats old, my sons life was half over..... Can u imagine that. Half over at 11....I would not have grounded him for stupid ass shit.. Not pushed him through high school...what did it matter anyways.... I would have loved more n well just love more... I miss him so much I don't know how to be happy anymore... Now the rational side of me knows...I did what I did cause that's what mothers do... But I have other children.. 11 n 1 years old...how do I not let DJs passing effect the way I raise them...I'm scared to love them too much because what if I loose them too...I know to normal people that sounds crazy,maybe it is, but that's how I feel.... God I hope tomorrow's better... Blessings
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Post by Danielle ..DJ s mom on Aug 31, 2016 20:57:56 GMT
Another day passes.... That says so much... I miss my sunshine more and more every day.. I read about people receiving "messages" from their loved ones and I want one so bad.. I need to know he's ok.. My son passed in Avery unusual way...I'll spare u the details.. DJ had a mental imbalance and he was confused and very sad, I long to know he's at peace and that he knows how much he was loved... His service was packed and he effected so many people..I need to know he's ok.... thats all for now...must dry my tears and function.... Blessings
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Post by Danielle ..DJ s mom on Sept 1, 2016 23:00:50 GMT
Fuck I've been dreading September ....DJ would have been 23... I went through Mother's Day and my birthday.....which totally sucked .. My best friend also lost her oldest child at 22.. She told me the year after Cassondra passed... Everything is a first..a first Christmas.. A first Mother's Day..without your child... Shitty ass firsts,I'll say.. I got though some firsts... But his birthday,!!! Wtf do I do?? Ok my son was very active and adventurous ....I'm not lol barely leave the house now a days .. I told my husband I want to go somewhere new every sept 16 to honor DJ.. Try something new, see something new . . it's something right ?? but September is really messing me up... Dry my tears..got to go function.. Blessings
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Post by Danielle ..DJ s mom on Sept 7, 2016 18:44:14 GMT
Do you ever want to just scream your fucking head off ? Maybe it's just me lol but fuck I hate hate hate !!! Not just one thing or one person, I'm just mad all the time... I really don't like the person I've become.... How do you change that?? DJs death has fucked me up so bad I'm litterly a different person.. I miss my son so much.. It's like I'm losing myself...
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Post by Danielle ..DJ s mom on Sept 9, 2016 17:44:35 GMT
I read and I read about losing a child, can I live through this,what the fuck do I do?? I just read an article about anger and how it's normal or OK to be pissed and hate what stuipd ass people say.... My mother-in-law recently said to me and I quote, "it will get easier" REALLY what the hell is going to get easier? The only plus of another day passing is I am one day closer to death... Don't get me wrong , I don't want to off myself...it's litterly the truth...one day closer to seeing his handsome face.... I do have good moments and smile and play with my other children ... I just don't know what to do about this unbearable brokenness in me... DJ would be soo mad at me for crying everyday, I'm trying sunshine I am.. Blessings
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Post by Danielle ..DJ s mom on Sept 12, 2016 21:12:40 GMT
So strange thing happened yesterday .... I was having a moment alone, that usually ends in crying... Soo I was crying and I felt DJ near.. I have often felt him but with no certainty......ya know.. Anyway I even looked in the corner where I sensed him lol. I was like ok, if ur here I want to know. Prove it to me... I sense my beautiful niece enter as well... I start really crying.." ok u shits if your really here prove it,". and I'm saying all this out loud like some loon.... Then I hear/knowing a thought of...ohh you just wait auntie.... KNOCK KNOCK... OHHH SHIT lol. So I open the door all red eyed n wet.... Mail lady a calling... Omg I know instantly what it is... I had been waiting for a detective to send me items they had later found with my son.... Yep that was it.. Well then... It was really a shitty fucking thing to be sent to the mother of a child who passed... Maybe later I'll explain... But instantly my niece and son were gone... I honestly believe they were here.... Crazy? Perhaps... Delusional ?... Don't know but imma try that shit again lol blessings
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Post by Danielle ..DJ s mom on Sept 17, 2016 4:36:07 GMT
Happy birthday to my sweet son 💜 I've been remembering a book I often read to DJ... It used to make me cry every damn time lol Maybe some of you also read it to your children.. I'll love you for forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living , my baby you'll be.... So true.......
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lj
New Member
Posts: 10
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Post by lj on Sept 27, 2016 14:38:37 GMT
Danielle,
i cant ant seem to send the frigging messages. Is this working?
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lj
New Member
Posts: 10
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Post by lj on Sept 27, 2016 14:39:10 GMT
Oh now it's working it's my brain that can't function
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lj
New Member
Posts: 10
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Post by lj on Sept 27, 2016 14:41:47 GMT
I stumbled across your posts and I started crying immediately. I am going through the same thing, my son Josh passed away 7/19/16 at the age of 23. I am beside myself and don't know how I'm ever going to get through this shit. I miss him every second of the day.
LJ
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Post by Danielle ..DJ s mom on Sept 27, 2016 15:42:10 GMT
Good morning . It took me a bit to figure out how to post as well.. I keep posting my craziness lol n nobody ever responds... So it's nice to hear from you... I'm sorry about your son... We can chat on here or I can give you my email address... Blessings
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lj
New Member
Posts: 10
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Post by lj on Sept 27, 2016 17:31:01 GMT
Well I've been on several boards with no responses and then I saw you and had high hopes. God has answered my prayer! What do you think? The thing is with this is that you have to keep checking back where as we get alerts on our phone for email
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Post by Danielle ..DJ s mom on Sept 27, 2016 17:52:57 GMT
Mm idk ...I get an email anytime someone posts... so where abouts do you live... I am in Talent OR... I recently got a phone call from one of my daughters teachers telling me she had a bit of a meltdown in class ... The plus was she told me about a group for siblings and for parents .. Jesus I have been looking and looking lol nothing...then turns out our very small town has those groups...I was stoked.... But I still have not called...I'm very anti social right now...this is pretty much my only outlet. We moved to OR a month before DJ passed and I know no one here.... Maybe it's a blessing cause I'm a mess.... Blessings
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lj
New Member
Posts: 10
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Post by lj on Sept 27, 2016 19:37:50 GMT
You said good morning so we are nowhere near one another which is a shame. I live 50 miles outside New York. I am very sad today because it's my daughters birthday. I'm trying to be strong because I don't want to ruin it but I'm sad josh isn't around to wish her happy birthday and make her feel good like he always did
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